I started this blog with the direct intention that I would NOT make it my personal ranting place. However, ironically the entry that has the most moaning in has been read the most. Maybe it is ok to be myself and moan away ?? Lets see…
This morning started much like any other. I hated my alarm and loved my snooze button but eventually snooze broke up with me and I had to get up. I am a nanny so mornings are a little hectic but we have a good routine that seems to work. We left the house at 8am, right on schedule and avoided the normal London rush hour traffic.
As I turned into the school gate there were a trio of teenage girls walking on the side of the road. I slowed, they turned and I signalled for them to cross but they must not have seen as they moved and stopped to let me pass. So after waiting for about ten seconds I drove past them only to be stopped by the schools parking attendant. The conversation went like this:
Him: ‘you must always give way to pupils’
‘ But I did give way’
‘You must ALWAYs give way’
‘But I stopped, gave way and signalled for them to cross, you saw, you were standing right there!’
‘I understand but you must always give way’
‘I understand that, but I did give way. Instead of holding up traffic, after the students declined the offer I decided to drive on. Maybe when you saw me giving way you could have told them to cross as I was patiently waiting for them to do so’
‘Always give way’
At this point I drove off as clearly he hadn’t added the 10th word to his word bank that morning and was unable to bring anything else to the conversation.
I parked and walked with the two youngest to school and dropped the elder of the two to his classroom. I then went and sat down in the coffee shop with the three year old. 15 minutes after the conversation with the delightful attendant he comes marching. He stares at me whilst he marches. He marches with such force that he knocks a chair down that happened to be in his. Around me were about thirty or so mothers and children.
‘You need to sort out your attitude’
‘You have such a bad attitude’
‘This is the second time I have had to deal with you’
‘Sorry, when was the first time?!’
‘You can not speak to me like you did, you must change your attitude’
Then he storms off. I am left with several thoughts and feelings. I was aware that he was on a power trip, aware that he was projecting his issues on to me, aware that he was a typical bully by shouting at me in front of other people and aware that I was becoming very triggered. Enter massive flashback! I haven’t had one in just over a month but boy, did it come on strong. I was hit by mental images and lost all bareing on my location. I lost the ability to stabilise myself in the present and I began to spiral into the past. I could smell him, I could feel him and I was scared.
All because of one insignificant TINY LITTLE MAN. I know he does not know about my rape but the thing is no one knows anything about anyone’s lives. My issue with men is most of them think they have power over woman, in lots of different ways. That perceived power could be scary and triggering. Just saying.
Check your issues at the door before engaging in a conversation with me PAlease….
Ok rant over, il be able to tell by the response if you guys hated it…sorry if you did!!