Thursday, 3 May 2012

Hi from a wet and rainy London.

I am not sure if it is the weather that is making me miserable but my mood is definitely deflated. I was so excited when I started this blog and although I knew I had set my self a hard task I think I am realising just how hard it is!

I am asking people to talk out about something horrific that happened to them or to someone they know. Not only am I asking them to not be afraid and be proud that they are a survivor, I am then asking them to actively get involved with a load of strangers and dance around a bit!

It’s a big ask and if someone had come to me 6 months ago and asked me to take part I think I would have said no. Although I have never shied away from saying I was raped I do not think, until now, I have been ready to actively try and overcome my experience.  So if I put myself in your shoes I understand why it wouldn’t be intriguing.

There are two things I want to say and both go hand in hand. Rape is not talked about because of the stigma attached to it. If I had been mugged, or if I had been shot I think I would have been a lot more forthcoming with the details to my friends and family, and equally they would have been a lot more forthcoming with love and support. There is a resistance to talk openly about rape unlike any other tragic event I can think of that might occur in someones life. Whatever the reason is for this, it makes me angry. We are not to blame, we should not feel ashamed and we should not be embarrassed. So I am angry when I face awkwardness from my friends or people around me because, whatever the reason is that causes them to react that way, it makes me feel dirty and like I have done something wrong.

So I thought lets speak out loud and clear and not give anyone the opportunity to become awkward. If I am comfortable with it then so can everyone else be. And also, if I am not telling people how much it has affected me then how are they meant to know how much to support me?? BUT I am realising that by writing this blog and deciding to do workshops I have not solved the problem. I am once again powerless. Without other people who have had shared experiences coming to me and sharing my frustration and wanting to be proactive about changing this for future victims, I am just another person shouting into an infinite void.

I am frustrated, and it is without judgement to anyone. There is a frustration there because I am finally getting angry. I am angry about what I went through before, during and after the rape. But underneath this, there is bubbling hope. I am hopeful. I hope each day that people will share my frustration and we can work together to overcome and make a difference.

Give me hope…


  1. I like this post. You are so strong and your words and everything you want to do is encouraging. I know alot of people do not want to help or do anything but don't let those stop you from stepping out and trying to spread awareness. That is what i am doing with my blog. I am spreading awareness and trying to help others speak out and share their voices and end the silence of abuse. I know i may not understand the feelings when someone was raped. I was molested and at one point i felt like i was being raped just by what he was doing to me. I can still see his face when he did that to me. I know i am healed. Just like you i am trying to help to end this. No one deserves to go through what we been through. We need to be their voices. We can do this together. We are using our voices and even though many may not want to join but we can do this.

  2. I think what your doing is fantastic and i love your idea of dance therapy workshops! Keep the faith, it will take a while for people to come forward! Perhaps if you keep sparking interest and make some posters, send them to local charities and RC centres you'll generate more interest :-) do keep trying cause once it gets up and running and people enjoy it they will come back'n

    Also wanted to say how disgusted I am you couldn't attended your local RCC due to your postcode and got offered a poxy 6 sessions from the NHS! I'm hoping to turn my organisation into a fully fledged charity one day and raise money to provide more support and therapy for rape victims'!

    We can fight this together :-)
    I think your awesome, keep blogging!!!

  3. I have just found your blog. I love the idea of dance therapy. It is unfortunate I am on the other side of the world.